The time to face the depressing truth has finally arrived. Although 2013 was a fantastic year for movies and maybe even the best since 2010, like any year, there had to be a few movies that totally missed the mark. Fortunately, I avoided most of the critical flops like “Movie 43” in 2013 but of the ones that I did see, not many made me want to live.
If you’ve ever wanted to drown to the bottom of a lonely ocean where nobody can hear your screams, here’s a list of movies to see. However, life is short; time extremely precious. There has to be something more exciting you could do over the March Break. My advice would be to catch up with old friends. Spend time with your family. In fact, even staring into empty space would be a better idea. Whatever you do, avoid watching the films listed below at all costs.
The Atrocious Nine
1. The Counselor
I’d rather stare at a blank screen than sit through this painfully disturbing experience again. You’d think at first, that a star-studded cast including Hollywood’s most talented actors, an acclaimed director and a considerable screenwriter could pull together (at the very least) a passable project, but if that was “The Counselor” it may have been one of the best films of the year. Instead, it is like sitting next to a person that hasn’t showered for a year. The messy writing makes you want to vomit in disgust, Ridley Scott’s direction is as head-ache inducing as having a person scream into your ears for days, and the cast….well, if there was an award for wasted talent it would definitely receive it.
2. The Great Gatsby
A film so boring, dull, tedious, tiresome, bland and talentless, that all you could do after watching it is wonder, how in God’s name could such fantastic actors like Leonardo DiCaprio not vomit after reading it’s script? Wait a second…is there even a script?
The title is shockingly misleading. If your definition of a great film is watching the talent of your favorite actors get flushed down the drain, then here is the movie that you’ve been wanting to see. I’ve never read the beloved novel that has always been “The Great Gatsby”, and now never will thanks to this style-over-substance disco party that treats it’s characters like robots instead of real humans.
3. The Lone Ranger
Johnny Depp desperately needs to learn what the word ‘character’ means. Over the last few years, he has bought the same drunk demeanor, lazy mannerisms, and goofy antics to each of his roles, and in this piece of trash is no different. How awful this movie is can perfectly be summed up by saying that if you find excitement in hearing pots and pans banged together for nearly 3 hours, then this is the movie for you.
4. Red 2
Sitting through this garbage is as annoying as listening to the screeching sound of sharp nails scratching a blackboard. I admire movies that are purely fun, as seen with this Summer’s spectacular “Pacific Rim”, and that was definitely the case with the original “Red”. Whatever sin fell upon the filmmakers to create a movie as dull as this one, is beyond me and I’m sure even the actors themselves.
5. Gangster Squad
This piece of trash wastes talent like a person buying a million dollar car, but not using it. When you have such charming and undeniably talented actors on board like Ryan Gosling and Josh Brolin, you’d think that they’d at least read a script before acting in a film, yet I have a strange feeling that they chose their roles only because of money. The results…let’s just say that they are horrendous. Sean Penn delivers the kind of performance that is so over-acted that it’s hilarious, Josh Brolin is as dull as a wooden board but the biggest let-down for me is Gosling, who is normally at the top of his game yet here totally out-of-place.
6. 2 Guns
I understand that some movies embrace the idea of not using brains, and once in a while I do as well, but there is a line between dumb and downright idiotic. Your intelligence level drops as you watch “2 Guns”. The private-part jokes are so immature and childish that it seems as if an 8 year-old wrote them. The movie’s villain is so obsessed with Russian Roulette that instead of coming across as a threat, he seems more interested in making you laugh. And you immediately know that a movie is awful when all you remember of it, is a scene where money is wasted. It’s the moment where you realize that you’ve not only thrown away precious time, but your own money as well.
7. Planes
An effortless rip-off of 2006’s “Cars” that recycles ideas like that garbage truck that picks up trash everyday from your house. Parents: if your kids want to see this, take along a cozy cushion because chances are you’ll be dozing off long before you can even figure out what the film’s about. Kids: why waste money on a movie that you’ve seen a million times before?
8. Jack the Giant Slayer
The kind of movie that you catch on TV and at first think it isn’t all that bad, but after a few minutes switch the channel anyways. While there isn’t anything terribly wrong with this fantasy caper, it’s about as memorable as a Kleenex TV commercial. A day after seeing the film, attempting to remember what had happened in it was as hopeless as Leonard trying to recall his past in Christopher Nolan’s “Memento”.
9. World War Z
The most surprising disappointment of the year. What do you get when you combine the seasonally talented Brad Pitt, a cool zombie invasion and great special effects? A middle-of-the-road movie where you feel like you’ve been deprived of water on a desolated road in the middle of nowhere. I’m beginning to have second thoughts on whether Pitt truly deserved an Oscar this year…
The Film Buff 
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